A CYNIC’s GUIDE TO GETTING HITCHED – EPISODE 11

Happy Endings...

The sun comes up, teasing my eyes open. In the first few seconds of wakefulness I forget where I am and what’ going on in my life. A wave crashes on the rocky shore and reminds me.

“Oh,” I murmur, my throught dry from the lack of water. “Hello world.”

And just like that; just the way I up and left my apartment four days ago, I up and leave the beach and head back ot my apartment.

When I get there, I take a long shower and brush my teeth. As I brush, I go to stand naked infront of the full-length mirror I had installed in my bathroom. I eye her skinny frame (my four days of involuntary fasting did a number on my weight) I’m not too worried about it.

I’m jolted out of my mind by a frantic knock on my door. I roll my eyes. Wonderful! back to intrusive people. 

I open the door 5 minutes later to find Ayitey and Mansah standing at my doorstep. Mansah immediately falls into a rhetoric about people disappearing with no thought for their friends as she pushes past me. Ayitey stays on the landing staring worriedly at my emaciated frame. He doesn’t say anything just stares. I stare back at him. Somehow, I know that he knows I’ve had a rough few days. And I know him well enough to know that he knows better than to ask me about it. I’m grateful for that.

Then he finally says, “Don’t let her talk your ear off, I’ll be back.” and leaves.

Ayitey comes back 15 minutes later holding several white plastic bags. The scent of fast food wafts through my small apartment and suddenly, I feel like eating. As I hungrily chomp down the food I look over at Ayitey and thank goodness for small mercies.

After spending the whole day there, avoiding the topic of my four day disappearance due to Ayitey’s side eyes every time she tries to bring it up, Mansah takes her leave. She has to get back to her husband.

Ayitey stays. Wordlessly, he cleans up and tucks me into bed. He makes himself comfortable on my couch but I’m sure can’t fall asleep for worry. I listen to him restlessly moving about as I close my eyes. Knowing he’s just a call away comforts me and I immediately fall asleep.

The next morning, he waits till I get out of bed at 7:20 am.

“Are you ok?” he asks. I nod and he gathers me in a long hug.

“I have to go to work. I’ll check on you throughout the day.” With that, he leaves.

I stare at the closed door long after he’s gone. Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with him? Maybe I’m one of those women who stays single all their lives. Perhaps this is how I should live. I certainly won’t be the first person to live like that. Maybe what the universe is telling me is simply this; “stop trying, it’s not for you”.

Five weeks later, I'm standing on the beautiful lawn at the Little House on The Hill, a hip destination wedding hotel. I look around at the dozens of white and red hibiscus bouquets decorating the scenic venue and I feel the slightest tingle of happiness.

It’s a big day and even though I vowed vowed never again to be in a wedding, this one I have no choice but to join.

The guests are almost all seated and the piano guy is tickling out a melodious ode to love. I turn to my left To look at Ayitey standing beside me. He smiles at me. I smile back and reach out to straighten his neck tie after which he reaches out to straighten my bowtie. We are dressed identically excpet for the ties.

“I have never seen a best man look so good in a suit.” He reiterates for the umpteenth time.

I laugh just before the piano man starts to play the Wedding March. The bride is ready to walk down the isle. I take a step back to stand behind Ayitey as he turns to face his bride who is being led down the petal strewn red carpet on the grass by her father.

Ayitey grins from ear to ear, I would too if I were him, Joy is a vision in her sheer, pearl, mermaid wedding dress.

The ceremony is short and sweet and the reception starts off with a bang. They play old favourites and there is food aplenty. Everyone is joyous.

I smile occasionally but I don't join in the festivities even though I am unquestionably happy for Ayitey for tying the knot and I watch the couple as they dance. I don't know Joy that well and therefore don't know of any uneven spots in her past but I fervently hope, for the sake of Ayitey’s happiness, that she is clean.

My mind wanders to Deladem’s wedding which is taking place at this very instant across town. He asked that I come but I was spared the ordeal by being best man at Ayitey’s wedding.

So how does a cynic get hitched? They don’t. They can’t get past their distrust long enough to let anyone else have the satisfaction of winning them over. Anyone else, of course, but the person who proves to them beyond all doubt that men cannot be trusted. Sure, there are men people scattered all over, but none of them will make it into a cynic’s life to stay because they won’t let them; they drag their feet and second guess and let them slip away. But then again, if they leave, then they weren’t meant to stay in the first place, or were they?

Cynics don't believe in happy endings because there are no endings until you are dead. And until you die, even death itself is one of the shitty surprises waiting for you at the turn of every corner.

I feel my phone vibrate in my jacket pocket. I take it out to check the caller ID and almost pass out. I stare at the phone, unable to answer it so it rings until it cuts and the picture of Nunya stops flashing.

A CYNIC'S GUIDE TO GETTING HITCHED - EPISODE 10

Crashing Realisations

I step closer to the ebbing sea. It’s just a little past midday and the sun is merciless. The tide is way out and I need to feel something other than the searing pain in my chest even if it’s just the coolness of the sea. I stand still; wait for the waves to flow toward me again. When they do, they barely reach my toes.

It ebbs and flows again, this time it tickles my feet and pulls back again. The cool, salty water feels nice. In a few similar movements the sea, almost as if teasing me, finally reaches my ankles and pulls back. I start to feel calm as the water draws in closer each time it comes up to me.

“Come and play,” it seems to be saying. “You’ll be happy here. You came from water; this is home. Come and play.”

I look out over the horizon; water all around for miles and miles, looking more inviting than I remember it ever being. The water is much closer now, edging its way above my ankles. It occurs to me that the sea might feel my presence; that there’s some force in me that pulls it towards me. Maybe it remembers me; reads in my DNA that I used to be a part of it. All life begun in the ocean, I reason, and it is only natural I should be comfortable here.

I start to wonder, if I lay in the water without fighting against it; if I just let the force of the ocean carry my weight would it carry me out to sea or push me back to shore? I suddenly have a strong urge to find out. At this point, what have I got to lose?

I close my eyes, ready to begin my experiment when I feel a strong hand grab my arm.
“Are you ok?”

I stand there, blinking at an older man who is looking worriedly at me. For a split second I can’t remember where I am until I spy the sand somewhere behind him but it’s so far away. Then I come to, suddenly aware of my surroundings again. I am standing in the sea, the water up to my knees and I have no recollection of the time between the water at my ankles and now.

“What are you doing?” The man asks me. “Come back to shore, do you know how to swim?”

It feels like I’m already under water because I can see his lips move, can even hear his voice but I can’t understand him. Back on the shore the man, who seems to have picked up on my intentions asks me,

“What happened to you?”

All the thoughts I was holding at bay with my contemplation of the secrets of the ocean come rushing towards me as the waves crash on the rocky shore.

* * *
THREE DAYS BEFORE

Deladem fights against his being and stops kissing me.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, surprised. His shirt is off and my buttons are undone.

“We can’t do this, we shouldn’t be doing this,” Deladem protests.

“What? Why?” I’m panting; all strung up with the promise of what looked like it might be a good night.

“I didn’t come here for this, I came here to tell you something.”

“What?”

Deladem takes my hands in his and holds them to his bare chest.

“I came here to… there’s something I need to tell you.”

“What, Deladem? You’re scaring me”

“I’m getting married.”

It feels like someone pushed me from a high storey building and I crash on the hard ground below, Splat!

My bones are broken, my insides are spilling out of my nose and yet I can feel nothing but the broken rib bone that’s jabbing my heart; causing blood to spill into me, stopping my breathing and slowing my heart beat. Soon I feel nothing; see nothing; hear nothing. Silence.

I am floating on the surface of consciousness; I can hear a voice in the distance calling to me. Then I feel a sweaty palm on my cheek and I am roused awake. Deladem is looking down at me, a concerned look on his face. I fainted.

He picks me up and puts me on my bed. “You scared me,” he says and fetches me a glass of water. I drink and find my voice.

“Please leave, Dela. Please. Go.”

Deladem leaves without protest; he knows he caused harm and his presence will only worsen it.
I roll over in bed and will the tears to flow but they don’t. Tears conduct pain out of the body. For every drop, there is a modicum of pain that recedes, so the more crying is done, the better the chances of recovery. When the tears refuse to flow, then you know you’re fucked because the pain will well up in your body and fester and soon you’ll implode.

I stay awake throughout the night not even trying to sleep; what would be the point? What is the point of anything, really? Everything leads to one thing which leads to something else and then another and finally leads to death. It’ll all end so what’s the fucking point?!

I hear the birds announcing the break of dawn outside my window, chirping without a care in the world. I am wide awake when the sun rises higher and higher in the sky and heats up the earth. I’m not thinking, not feeling, just awake. The last time I heard this symphony, it gave me hope. This morning, though, it’s almost like a cruel taunting; I’m happy, you’re not.

How much pain can one take? How much rejection should one have to suffer?

What’s wrong with me? All these men who choose someone else over me can’t be wrong, there has to be something wrong with me. What is it?

Suddenly the walls start to close in and I can’t breathe. I jump out of bed with a conviction I didn’t anticipate and pull on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and leave my apartment, not knowing where I am headed I just walk and before I know it, I am at the beach.

* * *
The older man asks me again what is wrong. The sea breeze is getting stronger and keeps carrying away his words. He gives up and gets up to leave, earnestly admonishing me to stay out of the water.

I don’t need the water anyway, what he doesn’t know is I’ve been sleeping at the beach for three days now and every day at the same time I walk out into the ocean like I just did and always come back to shore. I haven’t had food or water. I don’t even feel hungry. I’ll just go to sleep again when the sun goes down and with any luck, I won’t see the sun rise.

A CYNIC’S GUIDE TO GETTING HITCHED – EPISODE 9

False Alarms and Open Territories

A cynic is someone who believes that people are only motivated by personal interests. It is difficult for a cynic to trust the intentions of anyone, so even when something absolutely amazing is staring one right in the face, a cynic will stare it down and try to find what is wrong with it. Most often than not, we do find what is wrong with our gifts; we look our horses in the mouth and are immediately put off by the decay.

This is a defence mechanism; a coping mechanism – if we expect the bad then we won’t be too affected when it happens. But this mechanism also weeds out small chances at happiness that comes our way. Naturally, cynics aren’t born cynics; they become cynics because from early on in life they encounter people who are motivated by their own gain and they think everyone else must be.

But we’re always hoping for someone to prove us wrong. Someone to show us that there is at least one person in the world who doesn't ulterior motives and genuinely cares for us. With Nunya, I didn’t have the chance to find his dark area until it was too late and I had fallen hard. It angers me to think about it sometimes and I promise myself everyday not to let it happen again.

It’s been a year and four months since he disappeared. I am in a two month non-committed relationship with Kwabena which he seems to think is the best he’s ever had, maybe he’s just being nice, or maybe he’s biding his time until I sleep with him or maybe he met me only after my break up with Nunya and he thinks my lethargy is an inborn trait and he’s accepted it. Or maybe he’s just biding his time till I sleep with him. I’ve been thinking of breaking up with him. And after the events of tonight I just might.

As I stand in shock at the tall, dark figure that rises before me on my threshold, a million words rush through my mind and I am only able to snatch a very small number to form coherent thoughts. Each of these thoughts creates a different, short-lived, nonetheless, powerful reaction in my chest.

‘Nunya is back!’ – Heart races.

‘Oh my god!’ – Heart speeds up.

‘What am I going to do?’ – Heart skips a beat.

‘It’s not Nunya’ – heart drops.

‘It’s Deladem!’ – heart jumps up again; granted, not as high as the first time but I’m happy to see him. It’s been so long since I have but when I rush into his arms, I feel like I’m coming home. I’m suddenly glad the compound is dimly lit – he missed the look of disappointment that passed with the realisation that he isn’t Nunya. My evening is looking really good.

Deladem and I have always had a special relationship. Even after I turned down his proposal of marriage, he remained loyal to me, keeping in touch and telling me how much he still loves me. He’s always been good at proving his love. I notice the suitcase on the landing and realise he’s straight from the airport. I had tried for years to find his selfish motivation and failed so I chose to accept that he is probably the one exception to the rule.

* * *

When I first slept with him, I had just met him and I had broken up with my first boyfriend. It was a bad relationship and I was feeling especially vulnerable. He had invited me out to be my shoulder to cry on. Talking progressed to kissing and before I knew it, we were back at his hostel and having sex. I kept waiting for him to disappear seeing as he had got what I thought he wanted without even trying. I thought perhaps he was waiting around to get it again so call it self-sabotage or research, I slept with him again and again. Third time’s the charm, right?

He stayed. So I asked him point blank, one day as we waited for our lunch orders to arrive at the cafeteria, “What are you still doing with me? We’ve had sex, surely, you’ve 'conquered', so …”

“Conquered?” he chuckled. “You think this is a conquest?” he chuckled again.

“It’s not?”

“Sweetheart, if anything, I should be asking for your forgiveness. You were vulnerable when I met you and I took advantage of you but it wasn’t intentional. Some men don’t know a precious thing when they encounter one, other men know these exist and look out for them. When they find one, they hold on tight and don’t let go. ”
He leaned forward and took my hands in his. Looking me dead in the eyes he asked, “Which category do you think I belong to?”

I didn’t think I could believe the answer then, people will say anything to make themselves look good in someone else’s eyes. But I found out so many times later; when he made a promise not to sleep with me again and didn’t for years until I seduced him in a moment of need. I found out again when he got the chance to do his masters in Denmark and asked me to marry him. And if that wasn’t enough, I would certainly know now.

* * *

He kisses me on the cheek and smells my hair before letting me go.

“You could have told me you were coming I could have come to get you.”

“And miss this sensational hug?”

“I would have hugged you at the airport,” I throw over my shoulder as I unlock the front door and let him in.
“It would have been a simple, I’ve-been-looking-forward-to-seeing-you hug, not this I’m-surprised-and-elated-to-see-you hug.” He hauls his suitcase in and I lock the door behind us. I turn around and see him standing there watching me.

For a minute we just stand and stare. Then a smile spreads across his lips which teases a smile out of mine.
“You haven’t changed a bit,” he says to me.

“Neither have you.”

In that moment it is just him filling my hallway, my mind, and temporarily filling the void I have been trying to fill for months. It suddenly seems like nothing has changed since he left. The one hope in humanity I had been searching for was him all along. I always knew it, but I never realised it.

I moved towards him, he doesn’t move, he know what I am coming for but he lets me go all the way, like he is saying to me, ‘this is your territory, you make the rules.’

When I get to him and plant a kiss on his lips, he sighs deeply, like he had been holding his breath; waiting for this to happen. Apparently that was prompt he needed to get comfortable in my space. His hand goes up to cup my head just above the nape of my neck, and his other arm snakes around my waist as he delves into my mouth. The evening is looking even better.

A CYNIC’S GUIDE TO GETTING HITCHED – EPISODE 8

Changing Seasons


Ayitey has been hounding me forever to find a man and double date with him and his girlfriend, Joycelyn whom everyone calls Joy and very aptly so; she’s a very bubbly, round cheeked young woman with little or no inhibitions, especially in the chatter department. On and on she goes about everything and anything. Her one dam is religion; she’s very religious.

Ayitey can’t seem to get enough of her. She makes him laugh and being a man of few words, unless absolutely necessary, likes listening to her babble on. I find that I can only take her in small doses; she stands in the way of my thought patterns because she has a way of roping you into her endless prattle. She gets me to small talk and that sort of thing drains me. I keep postponing the date with the now tired excuse that I don’t have anyone to double date with.

“Just go out and meet someone already. Surely you have met some people after Nunya. Just give them a chance. They won’t be Nunya but they might have something to offer,” Ayitey says to me on one of the days I decline the double date offer.

I know he makes sense and as I enter the house I grew up in to see my mother I think about it. It’s a Sunday and my mother is making Jollof. I called her that I was on my way. I have been living on my own now for a month and I find that while the physical space between my mother and I has widened, the emotional space has narrowed considerably.

Conversations flow easier now and I enjoy coming to see her on Sundays. She seems to have blossomed in the alone time she’s getting. She says on Friday nights she has her siblings over after work to sit and talk; she reserves Sundays for me.

As we eat, I ask her why she won’t just get a man. She laughs and tells me that at her age she has no use for a new man; that the part of her that enjoys meeting new people is long dead. She says now what she craves is familiarity, that the only man she has ever really known and loved is my father and she can’t seem to move on with anyone else.

“Sometimes when you love, it takes everything you have and when it ends there’s nothing left to start over,” She says as a cloud of sadness crosses her face.

That night, back at my place I wake up in the dead of night breathing heavily, feeling like something is sucking the life out of me. The look of sadness on my mother’s face haunts me, presenting itself as my face in a decade to come.

I sit up in my bed and start to weep. I have to let the memories of Nunya go lest I end up like my mother. At least she has me and my brother. What do I have to keep me going?

I don’t remember when I fall asleep again but I wake up early in the morning, to the sound of two birds exchanging morning salutations outside my window and see the sun slowly stretching its hands over the grey clouds that ruled the night and for the first time in months I smile at the mere thought of waking up. I feel like a young tree pelted by rain for days and finally feeling the warmth of the sun on its leaves. The rain was necessary but its season is gone and the sun is more than welcome.

The emotions in our lives are like the seasons of the earth, they come and go and come back again. I know that happiness is not a destination; it’s not even the journey, its only part of it. Along the way there are a myriad of emotions. The trick is to acknowledge all of them and give each their due – balance. To hear some people talk about it, you’d think that happiness can be everlasting but I know better. As I feel the happiness slowly creeping up on me, I know that I will feel pain again, but until then, I’m going to milk this new feeling for everything that it’s worth.

I say a silent prayer to embrace Nunya wherever he is and I get out of bed. It will be the last time he occupies the entirety of my mind. I move him to a single room compartment in the apartment of my heart where I’ll run into him from time to time, I know, but we’ll smile at each other and exchange pleasantries and walk on.

A few days later, Ayitey comes to see me at my new place. Since he started dating, I rarely see him and it feels like old times to have him sit in my kitchen emptying the remaining contents of my mixing bowl into his stomach while I make cupcakes.

“Give me another date for the double date. I met someone.” I tell Ayitey.

“You did? When did this happen?”

“Oh you remember Mansa’s friend whom I went out with after the incident at The Republic? Well I ran into him at the supermarket today when I was buying supplies. We got to talking and he accused me of not returning his calls. I told him I was going through a rough time and he requested a do over so I’m seeing him this Saturday. If all goes well then we can do our double date.”

“Wait, did you say “if all goes well”? That means you hope it goes well because you’re even making plans for when it does.” Ayitey already looks surprised but then his eyes widen even more when he comes to a realisation.“Oh my goodness, Adubea, you’re hopeful, you actually sound hopeful! That is the single most non-cynical thing I have heard you say since we met.“

He discards the bowl and rushes around the kitchen counter to gather me in a hug, which I just realise we have never shared. I have been friends with Ayitey for years and I don’t remember ever hugging him. I get over my initial astonishment and hug him back. It feels good.

“I really can’t wait to meet this guy if he has you feeling hopeful.” Ayitey says when he goes back to cleaning out my mixing bowl.

“But that’s the thing; he’s not the reason for this feeling.” I tell him about the conversation with my mother and the jolt in the night.

“You’re going to be just fine, Adubs; just fine. It is you after all, not only are you awesome, you’re pretty resilient.“

“Positive affirmation; I knew I kept you around for a reason,” I smile at him.

My second date with Mansa’s friend, Kwabena, goes well. And so our double date happens. And it happens again and again. And on our fifteenth double date, 6 months later, Ayitey surprises Joy by proposing to her.

He told me when he had decided to ask her and asked me to help him buy her the promise ring. Being the wedding freak that he is, he wanted it all to be a fairy tale for her. And it was clear she is the kind that melts for the grand romantic gestures so I said to go all out. He buys her the dress she’s wearing, the shoes, he pays top Cedi for the fine restaurant and for the chocolate cake (Joy’s favourite) that hides within its chocolaty centre, Joy’s promise ring.

When Joy finds the ring, she lets out a shriek so loud; Ayitey himself cringes while everyone in the restaurant turns to look at us; some disapproving until they see Ayitey slip the ring on to her finger and they applaud.

My initial surprise abated two weeks ago when Ayitey first told me about his decision so while this total Hollywood cliché plays out before my eyes all I can think is whoever is going to propose to me better not do anything like this because after saying yes to him to save him some humiliation I will definitely say no when we get somewhere private.

Kwabena claps gleefully and turns to look at me with an odd look in his eyes. I make up my mind to give him a good talking to when we get home just to make sure he doesn’t get any ideas along the lines of the spectacle I’m witnessing.

Ayitey and Joy leave early. All the excitement of the proposal makes them want to rip each other’s clothes off. Thankfully, they opt to do it in the comfort of Ayitey’s apartment. It’s still early but suddenly I want to go home. It doesn’t help that Kwabena is getting all touchy feely. I’m happy for Ayitey but I don’t feel like company so I make my excuses and get him to drop me off at home.

When I get to my door I see a figure sitting on my landing. I wasn’t home to turn on the outside light so I can’t make out who it is until he looks up and my heart skips a beat.

A CYNIC’S GUIDE TO GETTING HITCHED – EPISODE 7

A Fresh Start


Now I know it’s ok to be a no-frills girl. I approached this project from the wrong angle. I tried to change myself to suit society’s framework and that wasn’t necessary to help me find a man. Nunya is proof of that. Nunya, even though he hurt me, showed me that the problem is not with me. I am capable of risking everything for love. I’m not detached like Mansa thought I was; like I thought I was. Even though it opened up a world of pain like I never knew, it also opened up a world of beautiful wonder like I never imagined existed. And in life, you can’t have one without the other.

One evening, as I rushed to finish two large cupcake orders that were due the next day, my mother walks in rather early from one of her outings looking chipper.

“You’re early,” I noted. “Why, your friends had to leave?”

“She put her handbag down on the couch and walked up to the counter of the kitchen which overlooked the living area.

“Oh, I didn’t go to see my friends. We had another family meeting.”

“Someone else died?”

“No, they just called and said the only time we meet is when there’s s funeral to be planned and they want to change that. So today we just met up to talk and reminisce.”

“Hmm, nice. The next time, you people should order cupcakes.”

My mother laughs. “Half of them have no teeth.”

My mother comes from a very huge family of 46 children, step children from both of my grandparents included. Some of them have passed on but those that remain are always at each other’s throats. It’s nice to see they are trying to work it out. It certainly seems to be doing my mother good.

“What are you making? Can I help?” My mother offers. She’s never offered before.

I nod and look at her, all dressed and made up and wondering why I didn’t turn out like her. Because I recall wanting to dress like her when I was much younger. I guess that when it was time for her to school me in the customs of a normal girl, she was too busy worrying about me not adding to her woes by getting pregnant so I didn’t get to wear the latest shoes and hair accessories growing up like my friends in school; I didn’t get to go out to the many kids’ variety shows and paid excursions; I wasn’t socialised.

This realisation doesn’t anger me; far from it. In fact, I have found a new appreciation for my mother. I imagine her feeling the way I do about Nunya’s leaving and not being able to give herself over to the grieving process because she had mouths to feed.

And to some extent, what she did, though misguided was partly for my benefit. What parents don’t want to accept is that their children’s lives are theirs to live. They are entitled to their own mistakes, their own choices.

We finish the cakes at 3 a.m.

The next day, when I arrive home after the long day of deliveries and setting up at the parties they were ordered for, I give my mother a long hug. I believe it is the first time I have voluntarily hugged her. It feels good.

I lie in bed that night trying to ignore the pain in my feet and my back.

In the dead of night, I wake up with a jolt and I don’t know what woke me; it wasn’t a bad dream. Then I start to panic. What was the point of Nunya crashing into my life like that? I fell in love and yet I’m no closer to having a companion than I was before.

Then it occurs to me that I had lost sight of my goal. I didn’t set out to fall in love; I set out to find a companion. I was happier when I didn’t have this. Happy in my own cynical way but at least I was content and clear headed. But this collision of souls blind-sided me and the explosion caused such a burst of debris that our pieces are all mixed up in each other and I can’t tell them apart. We gravitate towards the experiences we are meant to have. Even though what I had with him is tearing me apart because I don’t have it anymore, it was the most wonderful thing I have ever felt and in some ways, I am grateful for it, but really, what was the point?

Could it all have been for me to understand my mother better? Was that the purpose of this cruel joke the cosmos played on me?

There are days when I can almost feel him and I’m expecting him to call any moment but he never does. And there are days when I hit such a low that all I care to do is stay in bed. I don’t remember when it happens but I fall asleep again.

* * *
Ayitey and I are no longer in each other’s company every day. Part of the reason is that I don’t feel like company most of the time, and the other reason is that Ayitey finally chose a woman to be exclusive with. I’m happy for him.

Even though I don’t want to spend time with company, spending time alone doesn’t do for me what it used to do. It’s almost like solitude took offence in my romance with Nunya and became hostile to me.


I need change, a new experience; something to jolt me out of the doldrums. As I stand in the kitchen mixing batter a thought comes to me. I need to move out of the house. I need to get my own place. Rediscover myself get comfortable with myself again. Then maybe I can resume my quest for a lifetime companion. Ayitey’s finding someone has reiterated the need for me to expedite my actions.

A month later, I find a place. Not too far from my mother because I want to be able to check on her regularly. She complains about me leaving her alone but soon she accepts it and even agrees to take in one of her siblings’ children who just started a day not far from our place secondary school.

Ayitey helps me move in. It is a one bedroom apartment with a spacious kitchen that overlooks the living room. It reminds me of home and the transition is a little bit smoother.

My first night there, I lie on my bed in my new room and listen to the cars driving past outside and the leaves rustling on the trees outside my window. This is mine, at least for the next two years, and this is where I start afresh.

A CYNIC’S GUIDE TO GETTING HITCHED – EPISODE 6

Withdrawal



One month, two weeks and three days since I refused to see or speak to anyone. My mother can’t figure out what is wrong and it drives her mad. She yells constantly about not eating and being silly but it all falls on deaf ears and a numb heart.

People talk of hearts shattering into a thousand pieces and I always thought that’s what heart break would actually feel like. It surprises me that I still put any trust in what people say; especially now that I discovered that “breaking” is not the right adjective. It is more like when you leave your hands on a block of ice for too long and your fingers start to get numb but somehow transport the feeling of painful freezing to your heart, and then soon your whole body starts to go cold. I have read that with hypothermia, after that feeling gets considerably worse, you lose you cognitive functions and soon you cease to feel anything because your heart stops beating.

And that’s what heartbreak is to me; hypothermia.

My mind takes every waking nano second (sleeping ones too) and dedicates it to him. I try to think if I said something or did something or didn’t say or do something that could have made him want to stay and I’ve come up with thousands of things.

I should have been kinder, been smarter, been more attentive, tried harder to understand his misery; a thousand things which, if I was within my senses, I’d have dismissed as being absurd.
I took to picking up every single trinket from his travels he had given me and looking so hard at it that I thought I had bent it with my mind in one instance. I don’t know what I expected from such behaviour. Perhaps I thought unconsciously that it was some link to him and since he had owned some of them for years that he was connected to them in a way that could allow me to communicate with him. Needless to say, I heard nothing from him. Useless, lifeless things!

Ayitey and Mansa came over to the house on several occasions, but I would only say to them without opening my door, that I wanted to be alone. One time Ayitey camped outside my door till morning to guilt me in to coming out. It didn’t work. I got many messages on facebook from Deladem asking why the prolonged silence saying he thought I was enjoying the relationship a tad too much if I was ignoring him. I just could not bring myself to tell him.

In the later days, I have tried to console myself with musings, thoughts that, even though are of a more general nature, cannot possibly be devoid of his influence. For instance I pondered: If great love is possible then great sorrow can only be a planet’s half rotation away. We live in a world of opposites; of contrasts; of duality in which one thing cannot exist without it’s opposite. Day and night, light and dark – If heartbreak was my constant state of being, would I know it as such an unpleasant feeling, or is it because I have felt the opposite that I am so irreparably injured? Isn’t it because some people have the most fun after hours that they crave the night when it is day?

When we speak and tell people things do they understand our words the way we do? When I said I love him did he understand the different emotions that coursed through me and thudded through my heart as I said it? Did he know that I meant that I think about him all the time and worry about him all the time, and feel him even when he’s not around? Did he get that I imagined my life without him several times and the sheer dread of it knocked the very wind out of me and left me gagging; shaking my head vehemently and telling myself that I should not think about it for fear of losing my mind. Did he understand that I meant out of all the men I have ever met and those I haven’t or am yet to, he is the one who I feel connects with my very essence? Did he get that he is the one who I am convinced is the missing part of my puzzle? And when he said it back or even when he said it voluntarily, what was the feeling behind this three word sentence?

I mean, how can such a complicated myriad of feelings be pushed into so few words and be expected to be understood. And when we think what we feel is love, is it really?

Two months after my hibernation, I meet Mansa and Ayitey at The Republic Bar for drinks. Mansa says the obligatory things which she assumes will help me feel better but it only infuriates me. Then I go off on her:

“You know nothing! This is not one of your cursory romances where by the 3rd month you’re already looking for the next Mr. Right. This is not me getting better and feeling better about the fact that he left me. What are you going to say next, it’s his loss, and he doesn’t know what he’s missing? Good riddance to bad rubbish, the next one will be better? It’s a blessing in disguise; the right man is still out there? What? What? You know when you said it’s supposed to take at least three months to get over love; show’s how much you know, because if it’s real love, you never get over it.” My heart beat, which I am hearing for the first time in months, is so loud in my ears it drowns out the live band playing outside. it suddenly dawns on me that I could be feeling this anguish for the rest of my life and just as quickly as I blew up, I deflate and sink back down into body racking sobs.

Ayitey puts his arms around me and Mansa, who I sense is very hurt by my outburst, puts her feelings aside and does the same. Thankfully, we are the only ones inside because everyone else is outside listening to the band.

* * *
Something must give. It just has to. I am only able to come back to baking after the third month. And I drown myself in it. There is a definite shift in the universe and somehow losing Nunya has brought me more business. But it happens just at this moment when I am at the stage where I crave distractions from my own thoughts. It’s uncanny but I embrace it tightly with both arms. In the moments when I allow myself to think I still think about him; worry about him, long for him.

It is at this time that I decide that life must go on. I call Mansa and apologise for my scene at the bar and even agree to go on a blind date with one of her friends just to make it up to her.
While I sit in this restaurant across this absolutely handsome and charming man who is well dressed and speaks impeccably about his life and work, a familiar quickening of my heart resulting in warmth spreading all over my body visits me.

“Say that again?” I say to my date, thinking it was what he just said.

“I said the difference between African writers and foreign writers these days is we tend to do more social commentary while they do more introspective pieces,” he answers.

Interesting observation but that wasn’t it. He keeps talking and the feeling stays and if I didn’t know better I’d say it was because of him, but something tells me it’s not. This is when I really look at him. He is gorgeous and he sounds smart and he reads! This is the type of man I am usually attracted to but tonight I feel nothing for him. Not even a thought that he might come to mean something to me in later times crosses my mind. I involuntarily think to myself, I will never meet him again after this night. He doesn’t kindle anything in me and I wonder if this is how it will feel for the rest of my life without Nunya; the inability to connect with anyone else.

When I get home, I finally send Deladem a message and say simply, “I’m alone again”. Deladem never disappoints me. He is the tonic I need; I realise this as he tells me that these things happen. He types that in times of despair, all I need to do is remember the really good times and know that in those moments when I felt we both connected strongly, is was real and it is mine to revisit over and over again if I want. Whatever else happened afterwards, in that moment we were perfect to each other.

Strange words; stranger still that they make absolute sense and settle me and the strangest of all, is that after our conversation, I pick up one of Nunya’s trinkets and stare hard at it again only this time I smile at it. And when I do, that familiar warm feeling washes over me again and I feel unusually happy. And then I remember; this is how I used to feel when our telepathic conversations started.

For fear of being disappointed I can’t let myself hope for what I think this possibly means.

A CYNIC’S GUIDE TO GETTING HITCHED – EPISODE 5

Ensnared!


Some say it is only when you dwell on a curse that it affects you. You’d have to believe in it to give it life. I never gave one thought to that curse Mansa put on me; not until I met Nunya; Nunya with his intense, silent stare and his few but significant words. And yet here I am a living witness to what Mansa gleefully calls my one great love and what I call the most bewildering experience of my life.

I find myself sitting and watching him, unable to tear away my eyes for a second and when he catches me in a stare I just smile because he smiles at me first. He knows I watch him. He watches me too and it’s the most beautiful feeling in the world to know someone you are deeply attached to is just as attached to you.

It is in these moments of bliss that I also feel the most intense fear. Because discovering how happy I can be also reveals to me how devastated I can get if this feeling should somehow be lost. If this is what love is then Mansa and all those who have told me of how wonderful it is have grossly misled me. No one ever mentions the tumultuous sea of emotions you are bombarded with every single day; the anxiety, the uncertainty, the self-doubt (this amazing person wants me? why? Never mind that you’ve been telling yourself your whole life how ‘wantable’ you are), the powerful joy that threatens to cause your heart to explode because you think you can’t contain it. And let’s not forget the constant need to speak to the other, see the other; be in each other’s personal spaces; be so close that you want to enter them, be a part of them.

I feel most at ease when I am by myself. I enjoy solitude, always have. It’s the time when I get to think, uninterrupted; a time when I feel whole. But lately, even when I am alone, I do not feel alone. It’s this persistent knowledge somewhere in the recess of my mind that someone, somewhere is there with me. I can only explain it as having a telepathic relationship. That even when we are apart and not talking, we’re having long winding conversations and when we meet and do talk we’re just continuing where we left off in our minds.

Our relationship moves at lightning speed like its making up for lost time. Like somehow we had been marking time until we met each other and now that what we were waiting for has arrived there was no need to tarry. That makes me happy until he says to me once “It feels like I’ve known you forever; it took me months to feel for my other girlfriends, half of what I feel for you after two weeks.”

I smile but inside I am torn because even though he means it as a positive thing, all I hear is “our relationship will age in dog years, and soon, we will reach the end.

Nunya is amazing! I am not saying this because I’ve been “blinded by love” as Mansa and Ayitey would like to believe. Anyone who meets him knows he is something special. He's a gifted artists. "Artist with no barriers" he calls himself. He paints, sculpts, plays the guitar, writes, weaves, prints; everything artistic. he is well-read and has travelled the world on art scholarships since he was in university. He has a propensity to learn things and once he learns them he is hit over and over again by how unfair and unbalanced and hopeless the world is. He is burdened by the feeling of powerlessness to overcome the things that ail the world and this unsettles him.

He has moments when it all becomes too much and it over powers him and he transforms into a shadow clinging to darkness and solitude, indiscernible; wanting only to disappear into nothingness.

The first time it happened on my watch, I thought it was something I did or said. After three weeks of unspeakable happiness together he disappears on me without a word.

I am plagued with three lonely, sleepless nights until on the morning of the fourth day when he calls me. In the time he was away I still felt him there, in my mind. Our physical relationship might have been put on hold but telepathically, we still connected and still had our conversations.

The day after he physically comes back to me, we meet up and head out of town to the mountains for a picnic at his suggestion. Sitting on the blanket in the grass with two glasses of sweet Bordeaux in between us, he assures me that I had nothing to do with his withdrawal. He explains to me his inner despair with all life. He questions the purpose of life; of his existence. He shakes his fist at the big bang (he is an atheist) and wishes it had never happened. He understands how humans can create for themselves something to worship, a life after this one; something to give our existence meaning. However, he sees the futility of our efforts especially since these imaginary gods can't seem to quell our incessant desire to be hateful towards each other.

I ask him, “But if we have created this mechanism of religion and spirituality to help us get through why can’t you?”
He replies, “Because I know it’s pointless, this lie has been told over and over again for so long, that humans actually believe it to be true.”

I am at a loss as to what to say to him; how to help him. What a burden for one man to carry. This is such a new problem to me. Of course these questions have crossed my mind but I always will them out of my consciousness as my mother suggested I do. At barely 10 years old, I had asked her how we know there is God if we have never seen him. “Shh, don’t think about these things. We just know, we had to have come from somewhere,” she had replied.

Now as I sit with Nunya discussing his problems, the thoughts and questions come back.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you this earlier. It’s just that I’ve never felt this way and I thought I wouldn’t need to withdraw, not with you,” he placates and looks down at the wine glasses.

“It’s ok. You’re back now. Just let me know when it’s happening again so I know what to expect. This being in love thing is new to me.”

He looks back up at me and smiles his disarming smile. “You love me?”

Oh dear! Mansa said to make sure I don’t say it first. “There are rules governing this relationship thing, you know. You don’t want to come across as desperate,” She had said.

“And if I do what will happen? “ I had asked her.

“One of two things; he’ll either say it back just to be nice or just to get what he wants from you or he won’t say it back, probably pretend he didn’t hear you.”

Things aren’t going as expected.

Ah well, what to do? the truth is already out. “Yes, I do,” I reply, looking him straight in the eyes. I don’t feel desperate and somehow I feel he doesn’t see it that way. There’s something beautifully abnormal about the way he thinks. It’s quite unlike the way the men Mansa is used to think and I’m happy with that.

He leans in and kisses me softly on the lips, then on the nose. “It’s funny you should say that because in the time I was away, you kept popping up in my thoughts and all I wanted to do was tell you that I don’t understand the concept of love, I never have. But I think if it could be anything at all, it is what I feel for you.

That’s why I think we should end this. Because I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want you to ever feel dissatisfied with our relationship; with me. This will happen again and again. It’s who I am. You deserve a normal man who will do for you what normal men do.”

I cut in then, unwilling to fully grasp that he is breaking up with me.

“Normal men want me to dress like a harlot; they want me to act like I have only basic desires and intellect. Normal men do nothing for me that I care for. You grip my imagination and set my body on fire and you take my intelligence out for long walks along beautiful, unchartered paths - you don’t try to lock it up in some societal prison for women.”

I hold his face in my hands. “You do for me what no normal man has ever done and you’re the one I’m in love with.”
Love; a notion I never thought was real, and here I am throwing the word about like I’ve been familiar with it my whole life. That’s how he makes me feel, I realise. He makes me feel like what we have is real, like everything I’ve thought about myself is not just in my head. You can believe in yourself all you want but it takes someone else voicing it out on their own volition to give your beliefs life. He gives me life.

How strange that someone who sees no point in life exudes it without even trying.

“I’m not leaving you,” I tell him. “If this is a ploy to put me off you then it backfired. You succeeded in intriguing me all the more.”

He smiles and kisses me again. “I was hoping you’d say something like that.” Then he laughs and repositions himself so he can put his head on my lap, looking up at me.

I smile down at him and say, “It’s just human nature, isn’t it? We see danger looming and instead of running away from the problem, we first want to find out what it is so we end up getting so close that it’s easy for us to get hurt.”

“I will never willingly hurt you; I need you to know that.”

And I do; somewhere deep inside I know that. So when he disappeared again a month later, I knew he didn’t willingly want to hurt me. Instinctively, I also knew he wouldn’t be back this time and I couldn’t reach him telepathically anymore. So on the night of the seventh day after he left the second time, after the feelings of dread had welled up inside, I broke down. I opened the dam and let the anguish of facing a life without him, which had magically turned into millilitres of salty water, spill over.